And the Solstice Will Come a New
by PersonPlaceThing
Summary: A cracked out parody of parodies. Harry and Voldemort meet for the final battle.


_And the Solstice Will Come a New_

The night was dark. Two figures stood against the moonlit sky, their determined expressions identical. The ground between the two was littered with dead and dying bodies. Silence reigned for a moment more, before the dark haired boy ended it.

"The time has come, Voldemort." Said Harry his face a study of emotions. "For years, I have suffered at your hand. You have ruined my childhood, my sanctuary, my love. You have tainted every pure aspect of my life, except one."

"One?" Cut it Voldemort, his tone almost disappointed, "There is still one pure aspect of your life? But I am a Dark Lord. Your Dark Lord, personally dedicated to destroying your happiness and health despite the fact that I believe you insignificant. How could it be that you hold something innocent, after all of my effort?"

Harry smiled gently.

"Christ, Voldemort. I have found salvation in Christ. His gentle soul has guided me out of my despair. It has shone a light in the dark, cruel world created by your continuing presence. It has also given me more reason to destroy you, Voldemort. Or should I call you Antichrist?"

Voldemort gasped.

"You know. You know? You know! How could you possibly know? My mission from Satan has been hidden from everyone. I have not told my closest advisors. I have not told Nagini. No one could possibly know!" His shouting had reached impressive tones. His hysterics were clearly outlined in his pallid face and failing figure.

"The Writer of the Good Book knows all," Harry replied wisely. "It is my duty as a good Evangelical Fundamentalist Mormon semi-reformed Lutheran Catholic with Protestant leanings to vanquish you. And I shall!"

"You shall? How do you hope to vanquish Lucifer's greatest agent? You shall never defeat me!"

Harry responded to Voldemort's decree by reaching into his robe. He pulled out a tube of paste labeled 'God's Cure to Dark Lords'.

"This was mailed to me by a prominent American religious leader. Thus, it must be valid!" He exclaimed as he uncapped the tube.

Voldemort, his nervousness now shown by various wet stains on his clothing, appeared to hearten.

"You, Potter, have failed in your godly quest to destroy me." Sneered Voldemort, his hellish eyes glowing in triumph. "This is surly a fake, as the Dark Lord Killing Paste has been destroyed by Lucifer centuries ago. You will never defeat me!"

"We shall see!" Said Harry, benevolently, and squirted the paste.

Voldemort began screaming. His unearthly howls filled the battlefield, echoing through the trees. His body flashed red a number of times, before finally dissolving in a burst of white light.

Harry grinned in triumph. He had rid the world of the antichrist and served the good lord simultaneously; he was blissful. His happiness, however, was short lived. Because where Voldemort once stood, there was now a beam of blue light that resembled the sky on a sunny day.

"What the fu….. rry heaven?" amended Harry.

The light over Voldemort's previous location now turned to a luminescent white. Harry stared at it, disbelieving and mesmerized. The light appeared to get brighter and brighter. Harry thought it would burn his eyes with its unadulterated saintliness, but the beam abruptly disappeared. Harry rushed to examine the beam's earlier setting.

There, Harry found something that made him want to curse like a good Evangelical Fundamentalist Mormon semi-reformed Lutheran Catholic with Protestant leanings never should. In the Beam of Light's place was a tiny, naked, baby.

"A baby?" Harry cried incredulously. "What am I supposed to do with a bl… saintly baby?"

As if in answer to Harry's question, a charred piece of parchment fell from the sky. Harry grinned in rapture.

"Good lord above, you have not forsaken me! I must read this letter at once!"

Harry opened the letter, eager to read more.

_My Dear Boy Pronglet,_

_Despite the fact that we write this letter years before your birth, our great wisdom and planning tells us that you will be in great need of this letter come the aftermath of your battle with Voldemort. We assume, through our great collective knowledge, that you have located the Paste of Dark Lord Homicide and have thus vanquished the Antichrist. _

_We congratulate you, despite the fact that we knew of both this and our impending death many years before they happened. However, despite your triumph over the evil of the Antichrist (or Dark Lord, if you prefer), you find yourself in a dilemma- what to do with the baby that has appeared in the Dark Lord's (or Antichrist, if you prefer) place once the White Beam of Righteousness has disappeared? The answer, of course, is worship him._

_This may come as a shock to you, but it does not surprise us, for we are intelligent. But Lord Voldemort, is in fact Baby Jesus reborn. Do not question this; it will make perfect sense if you really think about it. Tom's mom is named Merope, which is Ghdjhlkjkddmll for Mary. He was reborn. Not once, but twice now (which we now do to following the current events and guessing correctly)! He is surely the Son of God. He can turn various things into others. He can heal the sick! This and numerous other factors make us conclude that Tom Riddle will become Jesus Christ reborn in 20 or more years._

_Remember, Harry. Voldemort is God. He must be raised properly. From the time he's 5, give him the training he needs to fulfill his destiny. When he turns five, a schedule that we have prepared will be sent from Gringotts by the Potter-Dumbledore-Evans-Snape accountant, Griphook. _

_Remember Harry, raise him in accordance to your_ _Evangelical Fundamentalist Mormon semi-reformed Lutheran Catholic with Protestant leanings heritage. _

_Yours truly, _

_Albus Dumbledore_

_Headmaster_

_James Potter_

_Your future father_

_Lily Evans_

_Your future mother_

_and_

_Severus Snape_

_Future spy for the light and all-around good guy_

"Wow!" exclaimed Harry, inspired. "My parents, Headmaster, and former teacher really had great foresight! Come, little Jesus. We must go now. I promise you, though, that I will raise you in accordance to my Evangelical Fundamentalist Mormon semi-reformed Lutheran Catholic with Protestant leanings heritage."

Baby Jesus blinked at him.


End file.
